i’m going to make an online dating profile
  and under interests
  it will read
 “sexual impromptu street justice”
 MAS: as long as it also includes FINISH HIM Blow Jobs
BJ: step too far, MAS
  oh wait
 “i like long walks on the beach, wine bars, and screaming FINISH HIM before i complete a blow job”
I don’t know about you, but I would respond to that online profile — mostly with fear and trepidation, but no small amount of curiosity and fascination.

Solution to the SC voter ID controversy?

“When deputies asked for his ID, he reached inside his Taco Bell bag and pulled out a taco…”
Not sure how useful tacos are for preventing voter fraud, but even the poorest South Carolinians should be able to get one.

Bad lip reading

See if you can spot the Dr. Steve Brule moment, that’s what I’d do.

h/t jhp

REM Breaking Up

@timesnewsdesk is the Times of London, which is moderately conservative and not the British Onion.

Headline of the day?

“I opened my eyes and there was a naked man wearing my leather jacket eating a Fudgesicle in front of my bed.”

Well if he was wearing your leather jacket he wasn’t naked was he Nicolas Cage? Also obviously he couldn’t stay in his house after that so aw dammit he had to move to the Bahamas? That sucks man.

“One day, I began receiving fan email expressing admiration for my music. Being no musician, it quickly became apparent I had intercepted fan email intended for another Daniel Bejar. Googling my name I discovered there was indeed another Daniel Bejar, who happened to be a rock star of the band Destroyer.”

  1. Dude edit your writing. The first sentence is OK but the other two are absolutely abusive to clarity norms. I think he’s trying to use the word “Being” as a conjunction and a verb at the same time in the second sentence (using it solely as a conjunction he would say “Being as I’m no musician…” but that’s nonstandard usage and should be avoided in non-colloquial settings). “[R]ock star of the band Destroyer” sounds cool in my Borat voice. Unless the “Googlegänger” Daniel Bejar speaks English as a second language (which is possible; I’ve had trouble finding actual biographical information on him pre-1999 when he graduated from college in Florida. If English is his second language then I’m a jerk for jumping all over his grammar, and I’m sorry).
  2. Calling Dan Bejar a “rock star” is pushing the common understanding of that phrase. He is a rock musician, but I don’t know about “star.”
  3. Isn’t the internet awesome?

“Vladimir Putin, Action Man”

“Vladimir Putin aims at a whale with a crossbow…” is pretty much all you need to know. Click through.