MORTAL KOMBAT!!!

BJ: IMPROMPTU STREET JUSTICE.

  i’m going to make an online dating profile
  and under interests
  it will read
 “sexual impromptu street justice”
 MAS: as long as it also includes FINISH HIM Blow Jobs
BJ: step too far, MAS
  oh wait
 “i like long walks on the beach, wine bars, and screaming FINISH HIM before i complete a blow job”
I don’t know about you, but I would respond to that online profile — mostly with fear and trepidation, but no small amount of curiosity and fascination.
MAS
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Debate Drinkin’

In honor of tonight’s  nine hundredth republican debate of this cycle here is a song from the always fantastic Drive-By-Truckers.  Want to know a fun fact about this song — more accurately me? I have done more or less everything in this song. (Replace waking up on the floor with the roof of my car? Check. Although when I shot all the guns my neighbors didn’t call the cops and when I did get those guys called, I hid in a Magnolia Tree. College FTW).

If you feel like starting the first — or fourth or fifth — night of your drinking with what is sure to be a painful, painful debate here is the Joker approved drinking game for this evening’s festivities:

  • Someone Brings Up Swiss/Cayman Bank Accounts – Drink
  • Buffet Rule – Drink (Drink Double if it is a Candidate not the Moderator
  • Santorum Shows Up Wearing a Sweater Vest – Drink until that Seems Reasonable
  • Captain Vest or Ron Paul Complain about not Getting a Question – Finish Your Current Drink
  • Someone Brings Up Reagan – Drink (obviously)
  • Someone Brings up Newt’s Reagan Bashing – Drink
  • Newt Defends it by Attacking Reagan from the Right – Chug  Vodka Until that Seems Reasonable
  • Ron Paul Talks About the Fed Rate – Take a Nap, That Shit is BORING
  • Drink Once for Each Shameless Pander to Florida (You Should Note That Newt has Been Pro Moon Base for Ages)
  • Someone Says “Anchor Baby” – Drink Three; One for Mom, Dad, and the Baby. Four if it was Twins
  • Gingrich Says “Republican Establishment” – Drink
  • Someone Says “Washington” in a Negative Context – Take a Sip (If in a Positive Context? Drink Until it Hurts.)
  • Each Time Gingrich Says “Frankly”, “Shockingly”, “Dramatically”, “Fundamentally”, Or Calls Himself a Viking  – Just Kidding, I don’t Want Anyone to Die

In all seriousness folks, DO NOT play this game. It would probably kill you.

 

MAS

Solution to the SC voter ID controversy?

“When deputies asked for his ID, he reached inside his Taco Bell bag and pulled out a taco…”
Not sure how useful tacos are for preventing voter fraud, but even the poorest South Carolinians should be able to get one.

GET OFF MY LAWN

“YOU EVER THROW UP ON A COP? YOU EVER BURN DOWN A 7-11? OF COURSE NOT, YOU’RE ON TUMBLR ALL DAY. PANSY.”

Animals Talking in All Caps makes me pretty happy. Also, I’m fairly certain I know someone with an “And that’s when I threw up on the cop” story, but can’t remember who it is (though I have a pretty good guess). If anybody knows who it was let me know.

Most Ridiculous Headline of the Day

Is it “TV Weatherman Brett Cummins Wakes in Hot Tub With Naked Dead Man?”

or

“Seemingly drunk Swedish Moose found stuck in tree?”

You be the judge…

GOP Debate Sauce

Super depressed no one asked about SEC expansion. Also, shorter Brian Williams to Ron Paul: “Do you REALLY believe that?” Yes, he does.

Jack and Jill Trailer

I’ve watched several of these (which will be linked below the fold) and they’re pretty funny. The one above is the original; the Michael Caine one is really well done. I wonder what its like working on a project like this where the end product is totally awful. Are people generally too blinded by their optimism and enthusiasm for the project to see that it is shaping up really poorly, or is there some kind of economic/movie business rule that says “once you’ve spent X dollars on a project you have to finish it if you can afford to” (and on a related note I wonder how small that amount of dollars is). Speaking of terrible movies that will never see the light of day, I wonder what the movie Nailed‘s fate will be (Columbia, SC people will recall this movie featuring Jessica Biel being filmed around the state house a couple of years ago)?

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